When the Abused Is a Man

Men experience abuse in intimate relationships too, and many of them never tell anyone. Some are not sure what they are living counts as abuse. Others are sure, and are certain no one would believe them.

What the numbers say

The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (2016/2017 report, published 2022) estimated that about 45.1% of U.S. men (around 53.3 million) have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime, compared with 49.4% of women. The same report estimated that 44.2% of men (around 52.1 million) have experienced contact sexual violence, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner, compared with 47.3% of women.

Prevalence is not the same as severity or impact, and women experience more severe physical violence and injury on average. But the numbers show that men's experiences are far from rare.

Why men stay silent

Research by Denise Hines and Emily Douglas on men who experienced severe abuse from female partners describes recurring barriers:

• Shame: the belief that a "real man" cannot be a victim.
• Disbelief: fear of being laughed at, or of being assumed to be the abuser.
• Being turned away: some men report that services or police did not take them seriously.
• Fear for their children, especially of losing custody or contact.
• Reversal: being accused of exactly what they are experiencing.

Psychological and spiritual abuse

Many men describe abuse that is not mainly physical: constant criticism, control of money, isolation from friends, threats to make false accusations, or the use of their own past against them. In religious settings, a man may also be told that his struggles are spiritual failures, or that a "godly husband" endures without complaint.

Signs worth taking seriously

• You are afraid of your partner's reactions, or of what they might tell others.
• You have been threatened with accusations, police, or the loss of your children, home or immigration status.
• Your money, phone or movements are controlled.
• Friends and family have been pushed out of your life.
• You have been hurt physically, even if you "let it go."

What can help

• You are not alone, and it is not a weakness to ask for help.
• The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) serves people of all genders.
• Keep a private, dated record and copies of important documents.
• Talk to someone outside the relationship who will hear you without judgment.