The Female Narcissist in the Church

When people picture a manipulative leader in a church, they usually picture a man: the charismatic pastor, the domineering elder. Most books and articles on the subject describe men too. That focus is understandable, and it leaves a blind spot.

What research says about gender and narcissism

A large meta-analysis by Emily Grijalva and colleagues (2015), combining hundreds of studies, found that men score somewhat higher than women on average in narcissism, especially in its entitlement and exploitative forms. The difference is real but modest, and averages say little about any one person. Narcissistic traits appear in women as well, sometimes in forms that are harder to see.

Researchers distinguish between grandiose narcissism, which is bold and attention-seeking, and vulnerable narcissism, which can look sensitive, wounded or insecure while still centering the self. A third idea, communal narcissism, described by Jochen Gebauer and colleagues (2012), may be especially relevant in faith settings: people high in this trait see themselves as exceptionally caring, helpful and moral, and seek admiration for their goodness rather than for their power.

Why the pattern is easy to miss

In many congregations, the most trusted roles open to women are relational: hospitality, care for the sick, women's ministry, prayer groups, outreach to the hurting. These are good and necessary roles. They also give someone who craves admiration a stage where her image is built on kindness, which makes criticism of her feel like an attack on kindness itself.

Patterns that observers and survivors often describe include:

• A public reputation for selflessness that does not match private behavior at home.
• Generosity that creates debt, where help is remembered, recorded and later called in.
• Information gathered in confidence, such as prayer requests or confessions, later used as leverage.
• Relational aggression rather than open conflict: rumors, "concerns" shared with others, quiet exclusion.
• Strategic vulnerability, where her own suffering is told in a way that makes questioning her seem cruel.
• Victim signaling. Research by Ekin Ok and colleagues (2021) found that people high in Dark Triad traits are more likely to present themselves as victims to gain sympathy and resources.

A caution about labels

"Narcissist" is a popular word and a clinical diagnosis, and the two are not the same. Only a qualified professional can diagnose a personality disorder, and many people show some of these traits without having one. The point of naming patterns is not to diagnose anyone, but to help people notice when something is wrong and trust what they are seeing.

What can help

• Pay attention to the gap between public and private behavior.
• Notice whether concerns about her are treated as attacks on the ministry.
• Talk to someone outside the community.
• If you are being harmed, a hotline or a licensed counselor can help you think through options.