DARVO: When the Abuser Becomes the Victim

When someone is confronted about harm they have caused, a common response follows a recognizable pattern. Psychologist Jennifer Freyd named it in 1997: DARVO, which stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.

The three moves

1. Deny. "That never happened." "You're remembering it wrong." "I would never."
2. Attack. The person raising the concern is criticized: their motives, their honesty, their mental state, their past.
3. Reverse Victim and Offender. The person who did the harm presents themselves as the one being harmed, and the person who was hurt is cast as the aggressor. "I can't believe you would do this to me after everything I've done for you."

The moves can happen in a single conversation or unfold over months.

What the research shows

DARVO has been studied in recent years by Freyd and her colleagues at the University of Oregon:

• Sarah Harsey, Eileen Zurbriggen and Freyd (2017) found that people who confronted someone about wrongdoing commonly reported DARVO responses, and that more exposure to DARVO was linked to more self-blame among those who did the confronting.
• Harsey and Freyd (2020) found that when observers saw a DARVO response, they tended to believe the victim less and blame the victim more. They also found that people who had learned what DARVO is rated the perpetrator as less believable.

That second finding matters: knowing the pattern helps people see it.

Freyd also cautions that DARVO is a warning sign, not proof of any particular past behavior.

Why it works in communities of faith

In religious settings, the "reverse" step often borrows spiritual language. The person confronted may say they are being "persecuted," "attacked by the enemy," or "tested." They may ask the community to pray for the person who raised the concern, which quietly recasts that person as the one with a spiritual problem. A community that wants to protect unity, and a respected member, may accept the reversal because it is easier than facing the accusation.

What can help

• Learn the pattern. Research suggests that simply knowing about DARVO reduces its power.
• Keep the focus on the original concern. When a conversation turns to your motives, return to what happened.
• Write things down, with dates.
• Find people outside the situation who can hear you without a stake in the outcome.